So, I know I’ve been asking to bear with me, hold your breath, or whatever; Thank you if you’re still there. I’m not even close to finish one of the many ProjectOs (see what I did there? 😉 ) that I have planned, but I’m still working 12-18/7 ish on it.
Anyway, aside from your pity and compassion, I wanted to write/read my feelings for clarity purposes. I’m kind of awesomely quick at typing so its like my hands think by themselves so its super helpful to read what they’re up to…
Being in a freelance position its weird, and very defiant; when you work in an 8-5 job you can be sure that you’re overqualified, under payed, and usually better than your coworkers too; you know for a fact how much better you’d do in a different position if they would only give it to you, or if those sons of B would actually care. I knew all about it, I had strategies, and proving myself as an extraordinary worker was like my hobby, always helped my coworkers, and improved constantly even though I hated the job. I also hated the people, politics, rules, exploitation and the lack of humanity or compassion, so one day me and all my talents quit.
Ever since that day I’m constantly filled with emotions and anxiety, even after 8 months and multiple projects that followed and continue today.
I acknowledge now that when you’re the boss, you take the decisions, risks and responsibilities, and that S*>t its tricky.
There is no one else to blame and that’s S C A R Y!
I constantly doubt myself and ask if I should go back and focus on money; I’ve taken a couple projects like that and almost right away I realize my mistake. I owe to myself to believe that I can make it work. I wish I could be that assertive and sure all (or at least most) of the time, but as long as I have a focus driven by passion, should be enough.
Being fatigued is part of it; I’m always tired and have a constant type of “Writers Block” or something, just a quick look at all the lists of work I have to do, makes me sleepy and hungry
If you’re like me, you obsess like crazy, wanting to make it happen right NOW! And NOW means always NOW!. You cannot miss an opportunity, a phone call, Nothing! So, yup, prepare to work your ass off (literally if you have to be seated all day too!). Family, friends, people in general might not get it, but they do get that you’re not as present as you were used to, and you have to explain that it’s OK; you’re pursuing your dream and all of your loved ones are welcome to be part of it, inspire or get inspired.
In my experience, it has paid off, because if you work with Yourself as a purpose, things will fall in the right place. When you throw away the emocional or mental trash and make space for love, it arrives (sometimes it would seem like its traveling in a donkey but still). It’s being happening, wether I noticed right away or not; gigs, people, opportunities, fun, self confidence and pride, its just lovely…
Be strong friends! I’ll keep working as your guinea pig just in case! My Twitter might give you a “real time” sample of emotions haha so even when this looks kind of positive, you can read how it’s not always like that.
La la laaaa I’m happy I finished this post that has been sitting for like 2 months haha it wasn’t that hard I guess! I have like 5 more to go :[
Send me suggestions or comments if you want to talk or chill or whatever, I’d be happy to have a pen pal!